The Tony To Change It All

In 2016, trust in politicians reached a new low in Australia. People’s faith in democracy was on a downward trend. This was common across all electorates.

Except one.

In 2013, Eh-Tony (who is mononymous) campaigned on a platform of change and solidarity. He sought to put behind the disconnect and apathy of voters to federal politics. He was to represent all Tonys across Australia by being the member for Tonysville, the electorate with the highest concentration of Tonys, Anthonys, Antonios, Antoinettes, Tonis, Tonyas, etc. He believed that Tonys in Tonysville could join together in Tony solidarity.

Born on 5 June 1972 in the small town of Legoli to local politicians Antonio and Antoinette Grassi, Eh-Tony attended the University of Bologna, graduating in 1993. In university, Eh-Tony made it a life goal to earn the Antoinette Perry Award for Excellence in Broadway Theatre, better known as the Tony Award. Eh-Tony soon abandoned this and moved to the United Kingdom to pursue work and eventually bumped into the then-Leader of the Opposition, Tony Blair, who took Eh-Tony under his tutelage.

Blair guided Eh-Tony through the machinations of politics. Eh-Tony was instead fixated on the idea of bringing a fellow Tony to power. Eh-Tony was present when Tony Blair led the Labour party to victory in the 1997 United Kingdom general election against the Conservatives led by a John.

Tensions began to emerge between Eh-Tony and Blair over Blair’s decision to support the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Eh-Tony and Blair ended their working relationship on bad terms with Eh-Tony opting to move to Australia to care for his elderly mother after his father’s death in 2002.

By sheer coincidence, Eh-Tony and Antoinette Grassi moved into the Tony-heavy town of Tonysville, located in northern Victoria. Eh-Tony was introduced to Toni Anthony, the mayor of Tonytown, who inspired Eh-Tony to pursue life as a politician. Anthony appealed to Eh-Tony’s love of Tonys all around the world.

Eh-Tony tearfully renounced his Italian citizenship in 2005 in preparation of his electoral campaigns.

As an independent, Eh-Tony stood for election as the member for Tonysville in the 2005 by-election but only managed to garner 5.2% of the vote. Eh-Tony chose to not stand at the 2007 election since the Coalition was expected to contest the seat. Instead, Eh-Tony began his long-term plan for gaining the trust of the people of Tonysville through door-to-door knocking, entertaining advertisements, and the monthly Tony Games.

Eh-Tony stood at the 2010 federal election, returning with 22.1% of the vote, placing as the candidate with the third-most votes.

With Labor trailing behind in the polls and the retirement of the one-term incumbent member, Tony Wright, Eh-Tony saw the opportunity to seize Tonysville at the 2013 federal election and turn it into an independent seat - a feat that had not been achieved in the electorate’s history. Eh-Tony needed to not only surpass the Coalition candidate but also achieve a swing of 22.55% to beat the Labor candidate.

Eh-Tony dedicated every waking hour to winning Tonysville. Eh-Tony’s platform had a simple motto: It is Tony Time.

Just five days before the voters of Tonysville was expected to go to the polls, Antoinette Grassi died peacefully in her sleep at the age of 78. Eh-Tony chose to suspend campaigning to mourn the loss of his mother.

Just three days before the polls were set to close, the Coalition candidate, Morgan Lee, was discovered to not be a Tony. This led to the local branch of the Liberals dis-endorsing Lee as the Coalition candidate.

Eh-Tony won 46.5% of the popular vote and won the seat based on strong preferences from the Greens and disenfranchised Coalition voters alongside other minor parties, bringing him to 59.32% of the two-candidate-preferred vote. Eh-Tony made a promise to his electorate: if a petition calling for him to resign were to reach 20 000 signatures, he will immediately resign. Eh-Tony was the servant of the Tonys first and foremost; he made it immediately clear that Prime Minister Tony Abbott - despite being a Tony - was not guaranteed Eh-Tony’s vote.

Eh-Tony made it his goal to form an informal caucus of Tonys, in the same vein as caucuses in the United States Congress. While this unfortunately did not gain much traction, Eh-Tony made it clear - through his muteness and beautiful gaze - that he would not be pushed around by the bigger parties. While they might be able to form government, he was the only one able to represent Tonys across Australia.

The 2016 federal election saw a 1.3% swing in Eh-Tony’s favour with an even higher first preference vote.

The 2019 federal election will be smooth sailing for Eh-Tony, the man who has remained true to his voters. Eh-Tony remains the pinnacle of the local MP making it big. The people of Tonysville trust him and in return, Eh-Tony remains thankful.

More people could stand to learn from Eh-Tony.

By William Luu.

Bonus post: Images of Eh-Tony

• Eh-Tony
• Unlisted Lore